You might be wondering why somebody would feel the need to assert dominance over wild animals? Why not just leave the poor wild animals alone? Isn’t asserting dominance over wild animals a form of animal hazing anyway?

I’ll tell you why you want to assert dominance over wild animals: because it makes you LOOK COOL is why!!!

Now let’s get started.

Step 1: Move With a Dominant Gait

When you enter the wilderness puff yourself up, flex your muscles and angle your arm out to the sides. Walk with purpose, like you own the place. Wear a mean scrunched up look on your face. This lets all the wild animals know you’re not afraid of them.

Step 2: Establish Eye Contact and Never Break It

When you find a wild animal whether it be a bear, a mountain lion or a moose or whatever, lock your eyes with it and don’t dare blink.

Every creature on Earth, from desert panther foxes to Arctic tree weasels, understands that whoever blinks first is prey and whomever doesn’t blink first is predator. It’s an old-fashioned staring contest. If they blink first, you have broken that wild animal and now have dominance.

The author having a staring contest with a wild grizzly bear

Step 3: Speak Their Language, Loudly and Aggressively

When you’re engaged in the staring contest with the wild animal, speak their language. Bark and howl maniacally at wolves. Roar at bears. Hiss and shake a rattle at rattlesnakes. If you can’t make the appropriate animal sounds, just scream in a way that implies you might be unhinged.

Step 4: Enhance Your Physical Presence With a Gimmick

I will wear an oversized trench coat with dozens of multicolored helium-filled balloons underneath. If the staring contest is going on for too long and I have a desperate need to blink, I will open the trench coat as if flashing the wild animal and balloons will burst out creating a powerful display of dominance. It’s like a turkey fanning its tail feathers kind of or something.

This gimmick usually always causes the wild animal to blink first.

The balloon gimmick to assert dominance over a wild animal

Step 5: Mark Your Territory

While staring at the wild animal whip out your penis or, if a lady, bare your vagina, and start whizzing all over the place. Without breaking eye contact move about spreading your urine to show the wild animal this is YOUR TERRIROTY! The animal will know who’s boss. Before you enter a wild area, make sure you have drunk a lot of water or alcohol so you can pee a bunch.

The more pee you can produce, the more territory you can mark!

Step 6: Kill The Animal

Now if all the above steps have failed, pull out your pistol and shoot the animal. Try to wound it to ground with the first shot and then step to the injured animal and look down at it. Squint your eyes at the wild animal. Lift your pistol and whisper something like “Oh you thought you could dominate me did you, mountain lion? But you thought wrong, you dumb mountain lion, and now it’s permanent good night to you, mountain lion!” Then shoot it in the head for a quick kill shot. In those last seconds of the wild animal’s life, it’ll know you are the dominant creature, and it is the weaker creature.

Final Thoughts

Nature is not for the weak, but you absolutely can dominate it. If you follow these steps, you will be feared and respected. Make sure your GoPro is on the whole time and you had other cameras set up so you can edit cool videos to upload to social media and get a whole bunch of views, so everyone thinks you’re cool. Again, that’s the whole point of doing this is to look cool and make everyone wish they were cool like you.

I sure hope you learned a lot and will soon be out asserting your dominance over wild animals.

Thanks for reading and take care!

I once asserted so much dominance over a wild bear that I tamed it. I filmed some of it to show you, so you know I’m not lying about all this. Have a watch.